White House Eliminates Toliet Paper

In a bid to fight "climate change" and in light of recent developments, the White House has decided to eliminate toilet paper from its restrooms. It appears that the press, especially NBC and MSNBC, were already doing such a good job of brown nosing and other forms of "posterior cleansing" for Obama and his administration that it will now fall on them to do the job full time.

Reporters have responded positively noting that not much will change. "Fewer trees will be cut down and fewer chemicals will be released into the environment to process the paper. We are already doing the job, they just eliminated the waste and are finally taking advantage of the new realities in this glorious new kingdo.... I mean administration," noted a White house reporter.

Fears of disease and pathogens were quickly dismissed as "tools of the vast right wing conspiracy," only being used to deter worshipers... uhm, the press, from showing their full devotion to their glorious leader. Members of congress are debating a bill which would require a poster of Obama be installed in every restroom in America to encourage citizens to clean each other in the spirit of this new "movement." Experts agree that this new initiative could cool global temperatures by .003 degrees centigrate over the next 3,ooo years (the forseen time to pay off upcoming stimulus packages).

Republicans, not to be left out, recommended using Polar Bear fur to replace toilet paper in the White House. A republican spokesperson asserted, "We know you like to think that his "blank" don't stank, but the polar bear fur is durable enough to provide evidence that Obama is indeed mortal, tangible, and stankable." The spokesperson was stoned where he stood but a blood soaked "Hope and Change" pamphlet containing a hand written account of the incident was smuggled out of the carnage and provided to this news service.

In other news, Sheryl Crow has been appointed to the EPA. The first item on her agenda is to pass the new 1 to pee 2 to poop law. This law regulates the amount of toilet paper consumed by only allowing you the same number of sheets of toilet paper as the number of the business you are doing. So you get 1 sheet for number 1, 2 sheets for number 2, and 3 if you have to do both at once.

A few of her colleagues have argued that the law will be counterproductive due to the increased amount of water and electricity that will be required to clean streak marks from underwear. Obama has declared that this law has no time for debate promising Armageddon type destruction if it is not passed immediately. "When you elected me as your President, you voted for hope over fear. I'm here to tell you that if we don't pass this law straightaway, with zero debate, that there will be no hope for any of you. There will only be the fear of the inevitable destruction that all of you will face. We're not talking about a dead polar bear or two. We're talking about 4 horsemen of the apocalypse kind of destruction! So pass this bill right now or life will be as described in Revelation where all of us will seek for death and not be able to find it." Not one to sit on his laurels, Obama plans to follow this with the "if it's yellow let it mellow" law.